How my life and belief changed as I became an awakened woman

At 11 years old, I wrote a letter to President Bill Clinton… about why he vetoed a bill that would ban partial birth abortion. Unfortunately I do not have a copy of the letter I wrote to him, but have his response:

Letter from President Clinton in response to his veto on partial birth abortion ban

 

I had no idea about being a woman or the situation a woman may be in when abortion becomes her best perceived option. I only thought of babies… and how angry I was… I didn’t understand how this could happen… I remember feeling helpless and sad.

Fast forward to my late teens and early 20’s, attending college. I remember feeling the resistance… the feeling of not allowing anyone to tell me what to do with my body.

At this time, my parents had moved across the country. While I wasn’t living at an apartment during the school season, I was living with relatives and friends. I had spent one summer working and living in New Jersey, and another in Virginia, with my now husband.

As for birth control, I took the Pill… off and on… I would maybe take a month off, and eventually stopped taking it all together. I cannot remember the exact reason…

I would have considered myself Pro-Choice at this time. I believed it was my right to decide what happened to my body. This isn’t very different from the way I feel now.

At the time I probably would have considered myself liberated…. or perhaps just brave… or careless… or my favorite: free-spirited.

In my school’s performance of The Vagina Monologues, I confidently performed a monologue, using a British accent… I know there is a copy of this on VHS, floating around somewhere… I know because I remember proudly showing it to my conservative grandparents (what was I thinking?)… they lovingly supported me, as always…

I attended a conference for the Feminist Majority Leadership Alliance with my Women’s Studies class.

I’m pretty sure I identified as a feminist…with the feminist movement… without really understanding what that meant or the many intricacies that went along with it… or its opposition.

At 21, my life changed forever, when I became pregnant with our oldest daughter. I was going into the fall session of my senior year of college.

I said to God, “If you want me to have this baby, let it be… I will do it.” It felt like an ok, here we go…

It was from then on, I was carried… it may not have been planned, but it was natural and a force and destiny to be reckoned with. Carried we all were.

It would still be about five years before I committed to spiritual beliefs and the inner work that would be required of me on a daily basis.

But things had changed forever, and it no longer became about me… it became about us.

Charlie's first week in DCCharlie is born

Two years after our daughter was born, we wanted to have another baby. This was the first time I had ever tried to have a baby. What a unique experience. You spend so much of your life trying not to have a baby… and here I was a different woman… married…a mother… making a baby on purpose… wow.

summer-2010-011

We were blessed with a little boy.

About the time we were feeling the call again to grow our family, we fell into some information that slowly changed our lives again… We started waking up as some say.

We started realizing and believing that the thoughts we think and the beliefs we carry, create the physical world we live in.

We soon became pregnant with our third baby… I was called to quit my job to stay at home, and also plan a home birth.

Truly and Charlie

Theo and Truly

The relationship I grew with my body at this time was beyond words. What our bodies go through to create and sustain life is a miracle and conducted with divine intervention. Pregnancy and child-birth are sacred. The body and how a baby is born into this world are sacred.

Just as a baby takes 9 months to grow, our plans were slowly developing… our faith being challenged… our beliefs, questioned. It wasn’t “practical” or without difficulties… but we moved through it.

I felt a call to connect with my mind, my heart, my soul and my body on a deeper level. I was called to create a relationship with my body, based on compassion, understanding, curiosity, forgiveness and love.

For me, this meant continuing to breastfeed my toddler, even when it became socially less than normal.

It meant not using prescription birth control, but rather getting intimate with my natural cycle…. this has been such a beautiful experience for me…. empowering… enlightening… healing… learning how the moon relates to our cycle and has since the beginning of time.

I would seek out teachers, books and articles that empowered me to understand my femininity and that it was a powerful gift…. one that connects me to all the women that walked before me…. and those that are yet to come.

Just by answering the call that I wasn’t going to take prescription birth control, I was led on a journey of self discovery, curiosity, adventure and personal responsibility.

My body… and my femininity… wasn’t separate at all from the rest of my life….and my connection to the rest of the world.

This goes beyond the familiar PMS symptoms…. Rather than wanting to just get rid of the sensations I felt throughout my cycle… I would feel eagerness to learn more about them…. what story does this tell about me… what is my body trying to tell me, and how can I integrate this information into all aspects of my life… to better serve myself, my family and the world.

I have firmly acquired the belief that our body always acts in our favor. Its speaking to us, calling to us… the whisper can become a roar… and if we spend most of our lives ignoring it or covering it up with other things… we miss the opportunity to answer… to listen… to help… to transform our lives and the lives of others around us.

Spiritual Growth is a Luxury

We know that if our root chakra wavers, we cannot begin to focus on higher energies. If our primary needs of safety and security are not met, it’s more difficult to integrate higher and lighter energies into our experience.

For those who live in poverty…. those who struggle to keep their children safe or put food on the table…. those who are surrounded by violence…. what I am writing about today may seem like a fantasy…. a luxury…

And I can see that.

There are many adults and children in our own country who have experienced astrocities… horrors… suffering I have never in this lifetime experienced.

I don’t pretend to compare my experiences with them.

I am sharing the idea that although I have felt fear, isolation, confusion, guilt, shame and doubt, there was a spark within me that said to keep going.

One thing that resonated within me always, was this conviction in myself and this ‘all the world’s a stage’ mentality….

…. like I would never quit…

… I would always be a fighter

… I would never let the world get the best of me… or I would never let my circumstances define who I was… or where I was going.

…or how I ultimately felt about myself.

I would seek moments of self acceptance, and love. I always had people who loved me… and even in my darkest moments…. even when I felt alone and abandoned by everyone… by God…

…I’d pick myself up, dust myself off…. and just keep going…

… it’s as if it’s all I knew how to do.

But others don’t have it so easy.

This is my personal experience… and just because I can feel safe and cozy now… it wasn’t always like that… I prayed for years to feel conviction… and guidance… and understanding.

Many, in hard times, lean on their faith in a higher power. I’m asking you to lean on further.

Based on the spiritual teachings that I have read from my spiritual teachers over the past 4 years….

…being attached to outcome implies that we know the greater path… and we don’t… I may think I know what’s best for my sister but that’s my sign to surrender and let her have her own journey.

Slowly and surely I have found myself in a place where I believe the universe has my back…. I am guided and protected by forces that are far greater than anything we can imagine.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience…. and this is the game of this human experience.

This isn’t just a game for me….

…. it’s a game for all my brothers and sisters…

…. it’s not just me that is guided and protected by divine and non-physical beings…

… my brothers and sisters are guided and protected, too….

It serves no one to pretend that the vision I hold for myself does not apply to everyone in this world…

… if we are all one, and I believe we are…

…. then the vision I hold for myself, I hold for my brothers and sisters…

We won't free from suffering

When you say yes to your own energy, you say yes to other people’s energy

As compassion for myself grows…

…. I grow it for you…

As I learn to forgive myself…

…. I learn to forgive you…

As I lean into my own suffering and invite it to a seat at the table of my experience…

… I feel your suffering more deeply…

As my cries get louder…

…. I hear your cries more loudly….

Every day I do my inner work… of recognizing that everything I see and every emotion I experience, is a projection of my internal condition.

So when I feel your suffering, and I perceive your suffering to be a certain way, based on my own understanding, I am fully aware of what that means.

Because we are all connected energetically, nothing I do goes without consequence.

No emotion or thought I have goes undetected.

The wave of emotions that we are seeing right now in our world is a direct result of generations of suffering… and suppression…. suppression of emotion… of joy… of creativity…. of expression…of pain and suffering.

The best thing I can do is my own inner work…. to transform my own emotions… to show up better… and ready…. in alignment…

… and a carrier of the vision, my brothers and sisters, that we are meant to thrive… we are meant to live vivaciously… purposefully… with wholeness… and joy.

When I read articles on social media and hear the narratives crafted through the media’s pen…

…. I hear the words Pro-Choice and Pro-Life…

… abortion and birth control…

… a woman’s right to choose…

… a baby’s right to live…

…. and I feel it….

More than I feel it… I am passionate about changing the narrative.

I came across an organization called New Wave Feminists…. Their tagline is: Badass, Pro-life, Feminists.

A message they share is if a woman felt support from her community, she may not feel pressured into having an abortion. So, rather than putting attention on abortion, this organization seeks to empower women and her community to address the root cause of situations that lead up to a woman seeking an abortion.

It’s about empowerment in general and feminine empowerment, self-love, self acceptance, education and a woman feeling loved and supported.

Whatever your beliefs are, whether you’re pro-choice, or pro-life….

…. if you’re reading this, you’d probably agree with me that women are bad-asses.

I say this with love and empowerment.

It’s no secret our history.

It’s no secret where we’ve come from.

It’s no secret that our power has been suppressed because of fear, doubt, shame and ignorance.

We all agree upon that.

But the act of and the energy that is involved in blaming is of no service to this world.. or to the people who suffer less than you or I do.

Blaming is dis-empowering.

It creates victims…

And if there is one thing I have learned through all of my own personal growth, learning, difficulties, and suffering….

…Any personal development or self-help teacher will tell you…

Personal responsibility is our greatest gift…. it’s our birth right…. it’s our truth… and it’s what will catapult us to a life worth living, beyond our wildest dreams.

“The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.” – Albert Einstein

The resistance that I am feeling in today’s vibration… is one of victim hood.

I do not believe this mentality will carry us to where we want to be.

“No amount suffering will take away someone else’s suffering.” – Dr. Wayne Dyer

No amount of blaming or continued suffering will change the past or relieve anyone else from their own suffering.

Speaking for those without a voice

Please allow me to speak in general for the following:

The Pro-Choice movement speaks for those women who they feel do not have a voice.

The Pro-Life movement speaks for those unborn children who don’t actually have a voice yet.

We all want the same thing. We all want to feel heard.

Now it becomes not just about our sister’s voice being heard… or our unborn baby’s voice being heard… but about whether or not our own voice is being heard.

We live in a society and a culture where we actually do not feel heard.

We do not feel validated.

This issue is not specific to just women, but to men and children everywhere.

Ever since we were children ourselves, we did not feel heard…. They even had a saying about it for the longest time, “Children should be seen and not heard.”

Now here we are as adults, living in an oftentimes messy world of responsibility, relationships, hardships, sacrifice, trauma, catastrophe, loss and grief….

…. and we continue to not feel heard.

Feeling silenced is not just specific to one demographic…. or race…. or gender….

A belief I have acquired is that our souls have been here before, and we carry these experiences within our cells…

…. we carry the experiences from past generations… suffering has been given to us by our parents, our grandparents, our great-grandparents and so forth.

We carry these experiences in our cells…. bound to repeat them… bound to attract further experiences reflected in others…

… except this time…

We have a voice.

We have the luxury of spiritual awakening.

We can afford to vote with our dollar and take a stand for issues we believe in.

….and yet…

We still feel un-heard.

We still feel like we are not validated.

We still feel like we are one whisper in a crowd of noise and we are just not strong enough to rise up and stand in our own power.

We feel like we have to defend suffering, and we are forced to decide which suffering is more worthy in comparison with a different form of suffering.

… we are competing and taking on the masculine energy… again…

And even with all our vigor and all our might…

We still feel powerless.

We still feel un-deserving.

We still feel un-accepted.

Because somewhere along the way….

…. we were powerless.

… we were taught guilt.

… we were unaccepted.

We are unraveling as our thoughts and emotions take physical form and give us permission to speak on topics like these… and fight for causes we believe in.

We are angry…

…. and disappointed.

We’ve been abandoned.

…but not by men.

By ourselves.

Not just because we are women.

But because we are human.

The moment we were birthed into this world, we left our true selves behind… and began a new journey of self-discovery…

It’s what we came here to do.

We forgot why we came here, and now it’s time to remember.

We will get no where by fighting each other.

We will get no where by turning ourselves, and our brothers and sisters into victims.

We will get no where by answering the call to our cause… and ignoring the call made by our souls.

My pain is no greater than yours, my sister, and your pain is no greater than mine.

When we can both turn to each other and sit in our pain together…. we will then feel the transformation, where we can then sit in our joy together…

We must be vulnerable.

… so we can be seen by each other…

… so we can be heard by each other…

…and therein our solution lies…

…where we sit together…

When we resist our brother, we resist our own self.

It’s not an easy journey…. but some say it can be.

It’s not without pain and suffering…. although some say it’s a matter of perspective.

I am writing today, not with judgement, not with all the answers…. not with any more wisdom than you or anyone else has..

I am writing today to remind you,

“We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike” – Maya Angelou

It is through recognizing, remembering and reminding each other that we are powerful beyond measure…. that we will find our power…. and vulnerability… is power.

It is our gift and our duty to hold this vision of empowerment and connected-ness to our own selves…so that when our brothers and sisters are wavering in their faith… in their physical condition…. in their life circumstances…

….we can say, “I have got you…lean on my faith for now…. I feel your pain because I, too, have pain. Let’s do this together.”

We must remember:

“This world was not made for them, but for us” – Westworld

I laugh, but so many times, we make it us vs them….

And it’s not…

…. it’s just us.

….another beautiful TV show we all love…’This Is Us’…. and it is…

So I thank you for reading my heart and allowing me to share this expression with you today.

May you feel peace and presence and have the courage and conviction to go within your own self… listen to the pain your own self wants to express…. soften your own heart to the time you were silenced… the time you felt un-heard or disregarded…. forgive yourself for the times you were quiet… and may you feel called to forgive others.

For more information on going inwards, visit here.

 

Thank you again, and God bless.

With all my love,

Nikki

 

 

 

 

 

One thought on “How my life and belief changed as I became an awakened woman

  1. Pingback: 3 Ways to Go Inwards to Help Change the World – Nikki Watson; love, spirit, light dweller and shadow worker

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