How to get the most out of an argument

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My relationships have come a long way since committing to mindfulness.

It’s not easy, but full of lessons, surprises and raw bliss.

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple reflected on their life together, Bishop Malesic said.

The husband said to his wife, “I have always wanted to ask you something. From the night we married, you have always had a box in your closet. I have never looked in it. It’s your private property, but I have always wondered what is in that box.”

His wife conceded, and they opened the box together, finding two crocheted doilies and $250,000 cash.

“Let me explain,” his wife said, describing how her grandmother had revealed the key to a long marriage: 

“Don’t fuss with your husband. Every time you get upset with him just crochet a doily.”

Hearing this, the husband swelled with pride thinking, “50 years and only two doilies in that box!”

But, he wondered, what of the $250,000 cash?

His wife replied,

“That’s the money I made from selling doilies!”

-Maria Guzzo, staff writer for The Catholic Accent

This story made me giggle.

I heard my grandmother giggle’s in my mind, as she would read it.

Her and my grandfather were married for over 50 years. And she would most likely advise me of the same. She would also use the word fuss.

I love this story because in it lies the truth about marriage….

… it’s hard…

And like anything in life, it takes commitment, practice, dedication, compassion and love.

…and God’s help.

This story also shares the power of a woman. It shows her ability to recognize and choose differently… see things differently… channel her energies into a different cause… and turn a profit.

…forgive… allow…. and focus on a desired outcome…

At this time, we are offered the opportunity to transform our perspective, and transform our emotions… together. It’s not easy, but has revealed itself as our most important option.

Authentic Communication

Sean and I use this phrase regularly, to remind ourselves to speak mindfully and truthfully to one another.

If we are upset about one thing, it usually stems from a deeper issue… which stem and even deeper issue.

I fuss with Sean in the sense that I encourage him…. nudge him… ok, drag him sometimes… into going deeper.

We call each other out on our BS.

Our pride can stop us… and even though we KNOW the ego swims around our light, we still get caught off guard by it… and defend our post.

When I am feeling frustrated or upset about something he does or did…. I clarify that… What I like to do, is clarify that before we have a conversation… so I can work it all out in my own space, so I have a clear understanding of where I am coming from… what the trigger is… and how we can do better next time.

This is constantly evolving… and that’s ok… it’s supposed to.

So often we shame ourselves for our feelings and make ourselves think that things should be different than they are…. we repeat worst case scenarios in our minds until we have ourselves convinced that it’s reality and we are doomed forever.

I used to think that way.

After I started waking up and started practicing awareness, I realized that reality is based on perception, and that if given the opportunity, our feelings can and will change if we put effort into working with them, instead of against them.

It’s so easy to, even for me now, to fall into the victim role.

And it’s important for us to stand up for ourselves.

But we can do it in a loving way.

Once we’ve cleaned up our own side of the street.

We are all works in progress. The work must start with ourselves.

Where can we heal and then bring that offering to our partner?

Recently I had an experience where I felt angry about a situation. While taking a shower, I got it all off my chest… yelled, cried, clarified where I felt wronged. And I prayed… for help… to release me of the fear and pain I was feeling… professed my willingness to let this go and I asked my angels and guides and God to help me and recycle this energy and put it back into the earth.

And do you know what?

It worked…

… I felt better….

I didn’t feel as angry about the situation anymore.

It felt like forgiveness…. for myself and for him.

I had let go…. and I was ready to move forward.

This is what it means to honor your feelings and judge yourself not for where you are.

Here is a more in depth video on relationships and how to de-escalate an argument.

How to get the most out of an argument

1.) Recognize that you’re not really angry or upset about what you think you’re angry or upset about

Dig a little deeper…. for me, it’s usually about feeling unappreciated, and then sprinkle in some abandonment stuff, and top it off with a lot of not enough-ness.

2.) Affirm safety

We must self-soothe as to affirm that we don’t have to fear or retreat, but that we are on safe soil. In Teal’s video above, she suggests whatever works: curling up in a blanket, or drinking a hot beverage. We are allowed to give ourselves physical comfort in times of conflict…. or anytime… I recognize much of my distress stems from not feeling safe or secure. We can heal our root with practices of self care and self comfort.

3.) Forgive yourself

Guilt, shame and self-hatred boils up during heated moments and it’s ok to have the feelings we have. We must forgive ourselves of perceived mistakes and emotions of the past and give ourselves permission for that energy to go.

4.) Trust and see that the energy does shift

By allowing ourselves to express our feelings and validate them within our body, we give ourselves the experience the transformation. We start to feel less tense and on the defense… we start to soften… and our perception of the situation alters. This is true change and we can have trust in this process.

Our relationships and our emotions will grow and evolve as we do. It’s an adventure and it’s why we are here.

Have a beautiful week!

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