I am cleaning my dining room table, removing a reindeer antler headband that has been sitting there for weeks.
My 2-year-old fell asleep for a nap, on her own, in her new toddler bed, for the first time. Precious.
A sense of accomplishment and “all is right with the world” washes over me. I actually get some cleaning finished…. only to move onto more cleaning. I put away gift bags, Shopkins, an earring, a Paw Patrol statue, birthday cards, a pile of instructions…. I laugh as I listen to Home Improvement, as if I am hearing the dialogue I’ve heard over and over again, for the first time.
It’s not always like this… a sense of peace.
There are many frazzled moments of angst, uncertainty, disappointment and frustration.
I write a blog on spiritual topics and lately… I haven’t written.
There is a primary reason for this that I will share in the next few weeks, but for now, let’s say I jumped back in the saddle for this thought:
The things that were once a priority for me are changing…. the things I thought I should be doing are in fact not in alignment with my presence, and questioning perception and reality has been both comforting and startling.
And I am noticing more now than ever before…
…in my own life, in conversations with others and in the media…
This palpable conflict between authenticity and distraction from the truth…
The Status Quo No More
Holidays bring people together physically, and also energetically… not always in a good way, but I assure you, in a way that brings truth to the light.
We must then decide which route we want to take… do we stay in the illusion of safety, or do we step into a place of trust in ourselves, trust in a higher purpose, and trust that all who fall will be caught and given the opportunity to fly.
I am touching on the “no mud, no lotus” affirmation.
We may find ourselves ruffling the feathers in order to bring ourselves to a better experience.
For awhile, I wanted to reach happiness… and then help others access their own tools in order to reach their own happiness.
Then I realized that happiness is not the goal, but rather feeling… And really, feeling good… feeling in alignment… but in order to feel good, we must feel pain at times…and most importantly, it’s about learning and remembering, without shame or guilt, that it’s OK to fall off the wagon and go ahead and get back on…
…. that we are not our thoughts, and that we are in fact the observer of our thoughts. We can retrain our brains to live an existence not marred by our negative experiences or limiting beliefs.
We can wipe the slate clean.
Please envision a huge smile across my face right now…. because the logistics of this are glorious… it makes so much sense… My soul revels in this…. my spirit is presenting itself as a strong warrior woman who stands in a powerful stance and yells with passion and victory….
…and my ego….
… my ego is still laughing…
…reminding me of all the times this feels like a farce… like it’s not real… like I have no business trying to restructure my reality or my mind or make any attempt to adopt a positive mindset that might set me, my ancestors and the world…. free.
So what I have decided is that we aren’t talking about happiness here…. we are talking about freedom… and not just the perception of freedom, or this idea of “wouldn’t it be nice.”
I am talking about the true freedom to sit in our bodies, just the way they are…. to sit in our lives just the way they are… not to run from the disappointment, but to invite it in.
… not to try and fix the rejection and the anger, but allow it to have a seat at the table.
We mustn’t deny our feelings and where we currently are.
We mustn’t go on having conversations without asking ourselves what are we really trying to say here…. “What is it I really mean?”
Don’t be afraid to rock the boat.
I talk a lot about joy…. and joy is important. It’s crucial.
But this isn’t about happiness.
This is about ultimate joy that is the result of speaking your truth.
It’s not always pretty… it can feel uncomfortable and disappointing and you will probably experience pain that you haven’t felt in a long time, because you’ve been running from it.
I want to be set free…. So much of my suffering stems from thoughts I attach to, stories I tell myself over and over, and the illusion that I have control over my life and the people in it “if only” I do this, or that, say this or say that…
When I decided I wanted to write something today, it was revealed that I desire the same for you.
I want you to feel free….
…but I also feel the need to share the warning…. it may not feel good… it may feel horrible, actually.
Business as usual is less uncomfortable than stepping outside of our comfort zone.
And I encourage you to do this.
For me, this experience looks like awareness and the willingness to go deeper than before. I ask myself questions like, “What am I holding onto?” and “What am I running from?”
I surprised myself the other day with a release of emotions that resulted in me asking myself what I was holding onto… more than I had thought.
We have to reach our points… experience our suffering… in order to have enough willingness carved out that we are pliable enough to have the free experience.
We are powerful beyond measure… living in this world, but not of this world… we came here for a human experience and we sure got one.
It’s not about rising above the human experience, but experiencing it.
And I am here to tell you that we can do this through expression of our truth.
And it means saying “yes” when you mean “yes” and saying “no” when you mean “no”.
It means seeking help from like-minded people who will uplift you and support you… it means seeking the help of a spiritually supportive therapist who will validate and honor you, without judgement.
It’s about loving others.
And loving ourselves.
Warts and all.
We can no longer run from ourselves… because the world needs… our children need us… just the way we are… not the perfect person we think we should… but the soulful, spirited, perfectly imperfect creation of all times…
Now off to more cleaning and putting away decorations and laundry…because this world has so much laundry… my laundry has laundry…
Have a blessed day.