This holiday will be filled with lights, glitter, colors, festivities, gathering, love and celebration…
… not without moments of worry, but with just a little less than ever before…
… a time to remember those who have passed, and to also remember just how far… we have come…
This Christmas, I will feel just a little less worried…
… a little less nervous…
… a little less terrified…
A baby’s first Christmas is usually a time of great joy and celebration… and although it was those things for me, it was also filled with much uncertainty, and although it’s a strong word to use…. terror.
As much as I was excited and thrilled about our first Christmas together, it also reminded me of how fragile our baby was…. how fragile life is….
…. how much we had been through, and how much we were still going through…
… this time last year, we were moving into our newly renovated home, that Sean had spent two months fixing up.
…we had traveled to Delaware with our family to get X-Rays and meet with OI specialists about whether our infant son was in fact “OK”….
This year, I have seen what a difference a year can make.
Although time can feel like it stands still, looking at our children reminds us that it does in fact move, and nothing lasts forever…. the pain, the worry, the fear, the terror…. none of it lasts.
Finding those moments of joy, hope, peace, faith, love and awe is monumental.
For me, these moments have grown…. and I feel that stop-you-dead-in-your-tracks-terror less this holiday season.
As I see our son grow, thrive, change, live his best life…. become the best version of his soulful self….
…. I remember that as his bones grow strong, so does his personality.
…. I remember that as the days pass, so does the fear…
… I remember that as the milestones come and go, so does the uncertainty of a future, the shock and pain of having a child, almost losing them, birthing them and then being faced with a continuous unknown present and future…. confusion, sadness, grief, mixed with joy, bliss, gratitude and the overwhelming, take-your-breathe away knowing that all is with purpose and God’s plan is far greater than ours.
This year, I remember how far we have come, and how far we will continue to go.
…. that this time next year, our children will be older, wiser, and closer to their self-actualized, expansive, independent selves.
…. this time next year, I will hold these decorations in my hands and wonder what to do with them, as thoughts of the season’s new challenges ruminate through my mind.
…. this time next year I will remember those I love, and the past memories and traditions we have… I will drift in my thoughts of what life will be like 50 years from now, and how much has changed over the years for the important people in my life, my mom, my grandma….
…. what will I be doing when I am in their shoes…. in their season of life….
…. where will my children be and what will they be doing….
I never sit here for too long, only for a few moments, as I remember that all we have is the present, that past and future all exist in this luscious present moment….
…. and I can have it all, right here, right now….
With my presents half wrapped and my tree half decorated (ornaments on the floor, in groups of who they belong to, waiting for little and big hands to place them on the tree)….
…. I remember how far we have come….
…. how much I have in this very moment that brings me joy, love and connection to God…
This year, my baby’s second Christmas, I will feel less terror that my baby is in trouble… that my baby’s future is uncertain… that my baby’s present moment is in question and we could lose him at anytime…
I have no way to predict the future and I am certain that we will face new challenges, struggles, uncertain circumstances, surprises and things that bring us to our knees… and I also know that while we have each other, and we have God’s help…. we will be able to face these experiences and get to the other side.
So this year, my baby’s second Christmas, I remember how far we have come… how far we have all come… that we are never alone…. and that life has a way of showing us its richness, its diversity and its purpose.
This holiday season will not be without fear, but it will most certainly be with love.
Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and may love remind you that this moment is your gift.